"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

letters to Beth {gummy worms, HGTV, and st pattys}

{i saw these in target about about 10pm on monday night, and i just had to have them. so i bought them, opened them, and ate almost an entire bag pushing my cart through target. i bought the target brand because they looked softer and juicer AND they were 70 cents less. oh baby, they really hit the spot. in fact, i just had to stop and dig through my purse to find the remains right now because they looked so good again, so now they are officially gone, and they were amazing again.}
dear beth,
i just plugged my phone into my computer for the first time in a month. it said i had 322 pictures to update. i can remember when i would plug my phone {actually, back then it was my camera} into my computer multiple times a day to load pictures to my blog and write down all of my thoughts with 50 pictures for every day. well, now, times are a changing. at the end of the day i wonder where my phone has been the entire day, i usually don't even watch tv anymore, and all i want to do is get in my jammies and take off my compression tights, because after the kids are in bed, the laundry is caught up, the dishwasher is running, and if we are lucky the toys get put away, it's time for bed. like early. i'm a changed woman. last night however, i stayed up until 1am. my eyes are so tired this morning, but i needed the peace and quiet. i sat on the couch for two hours watching HGTV and MTV and it was glorious. except now i can barely keep my eyes open and it's not even 2pm. i didn't do anything other than lay there and do nothing. oh, i did change out the laundry once and let the humidifier soak in vinegar because max was coughing, and i knew she would sleep better if i ran it, which i've been putting off for days because i knew the humidifier needed to be cleaned. i can't live without vinegar. this is what i've learned in my 7 years as a stay at home mom. my life just doesn't work without it. i buy the two gallon pack at costco almost once a month because i use it for everything. i use it to clean my bathtubs. i use it to wash my strawberries and grapes in the sink. i put it in EVERY load of laundry to help with odors because no matter what i'm just smelling pee and poo everytime i get clean clothes out of the laundry {except now with vinegar i only smell it once and awhile--i know the clothes are clean, i'm just wondering if my brain is confusing smells at this point}. i use it to clean humidifiers, i run it through my dishwasher, and most recently, i use the apple cider vinegar to clean my face. vinegar is just amazing, and i just keep finding more and more uses for it as the years go by. if you have hard water, vinegar is just a must. and even if you don't, i swear there are a million and one uses for it. so that's that. what have you been up to? do you do anything for st. patty's day? i did the usual around here, and let me tell you, it's harder when you're 27 weeks pregnant to get on the floor of your kitchen than when you're not. our basement is almost done, we just got back from a two day DRIVING trip to arizona to see my brother in law who was home on leave from Afghanistan and nephew parker get baptized. it was so fun, and it felt like june, but the drive was not my favorite, and chase barfed three times on the way there because the twisty parts made him carsick. on the way home we decided to go the long way through vegas so he wouldn't get sick, which worked, except the long way part wasn't worth it. never again. i will just get him some more barf bags and hope we can get him some of those car sick bracelets sandie has been telling me about because aint nobody got time to go the long way through vegas.
{every day she draws or paints pictures for the contractors, and then takes them down as treasures. this is the precious part of max that i adore. the busy, creative, artsy side that i'm so proud she's developing in herself.}
{look, i still fit between the beams.}
{between pukes he took a nap, then he would wake up, puke again, 
and go back to sleep again. it was so sad.}

{this baby man was MADE for st. patty's day garb. that red hair with the green. ohhhh, i die.}
tell me what's new with you.
what are your plans for summer?
i can almost smell summer at night in my bedroom with the windows open.
it's been so warm that all of the trees have blossomed this week,
and it's just a beautiful blossoming utah spring everywhere i turn.
i'm loving it!
i can't wait for peaches!!!!
tell me what's happening inside your brain.
i love your art.
do you know when my order will be ready?

Thursday, February 26, 2015

while chase was...

i've got a hundred and forty-three more of these little gems,
which i have named
"while chase was trying to poop."
i wish i could say it was WHILE he was pooping,
but that would be a lie.
you'd think that a 3 day strike of not pooping would lead a man TO poop when placed on the potty with a phone for 5-7 minutes,
but no, 'twas not so.
he did produce 143 photos of his leg,
the abode,
the lou,
the white porcelain throne.
whatever you call it,
this is what he does on it.
not pooping.
he saves that up for his underwear.
when he's at other people's houses.
like kara's house.
mmmhhhhhmmmm, so proud:)
oh the AGONY which is teaching boys to poop.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

i didn't even have to bend over once:)

and i didn't even have to bend over ONCE to get the laundry out of the dryer.
god bless chase ray. 

{i promise you, there's four completely DIFFERENT pictures here. i tell no lies.}

Friday, February 20, 2015

years old that is {watership down and chapter 2}

it's so different at 32 than it was at 25.
years old i mean.
like, for once, i'm not in a rush to not be pregnant,
even though my varicose veins are A MESS.
reeeeaaaaalllly a mess.
and there's for sure another 8 pounds of baby that's gonna be weighed onto those already overly stressed veins, plus whatever i'm eating in chocolate peanut butter tillamook ice cream several times a week,
but it doesn't really matter.
the pain.
i don't know why.
i just know it's not as big of a deal as it used to be, even though they're worse this time than any other.
maybe that's just the compression tights talking.
it's probably just the 23 weeks talking.
i'm just saying that i think after 4 times of this rodeo,
i've finally figured out how to enjoy the getting there.
because i know that once we're there,
it will all be different again.
and i will miss the way icy cold juice tastes,
and the way food just caaaaaaallllls to me.
like bacon.
and the other day when neil was eating my pepperoni pizza and breadsticks on the back patio, enjoying this unseasonably warm february NOT WINTER weather,
he was all, "the best time in your life is right now."
and i was like, "that's what they tell me. when you're kids are young, enjoy it. i'm loving it!"
and he was all, "no, what i'm saaaaaying is, IS that the BEST time in your life is RIGHT NOW. no matter what stage you're in. THIS time right now is the best time in your life, and THIS time in my life is the best time of my life, just like it was when i was in your phase of life when IT was the best time of my life. cathy and i have no schedule, no one to take care of, nowhere to be, except walking the new puppy and playing with the grandkids, and it's THE BEST! but when we were young bucks, raising all of our little kids, THAT was the best time of our life. the time you're IN, the exact time you're IN that very moment, that's always the best time of your life right then."
and it's not like they've had a perfect life their entire life or anything like that.
it's just that they "get it."
life, you know.
and i sat there with the vitamin D soaking into my face thinking about that while i ate the strawberries chase left on his lunch plate, and i realized how genius it was.
and so cliche. 
but i'd just never really thought it about like he explained it.
even though i've heard it a thousand times in a different, but same way before.
no time like the present.
there's no time like the present!
now this is where you tune out and roll your eyes, "like here she goes all joy in the journey on me."
but that's not what i'm saying.
and please something take that tile down from my kitchen counter anyway.
what i'm saying is that the summer before senior year i had to read watership down for AP english.
i HATED watership down.
i also wasn't fond of AP english, but that's another story.
i still get anxiety thinking about that book and the talking bunnies.
that book that felt like 1000 pages of TALKING BUNNIES.
it was NOT my jam.
and so when i was on page 63, and chapter 1 still wasn't going to be over until page 103 {hypothetically, are you with me???},
i'd sit there and read a page and go "only 40 more pages until chapter 2...only 39 more pages until chapter 2...only 38 more pages until chapter 2..."
all the way to chapter two.
and then finally i'd get to chapter 2, and the entire thing started over for chapter 3.
just get through it so you can be done.
and so many times in my life i feel like i've had those moments.
just get through it so you can be done.
count down.
and as long as you KNOW it's the best time of your life while your'e in it,
that's the gift.
just BEING on page 63.
even though chapter 2 isn't until page 103.
and there's a lot of work and time and patience required in getting to chapter 2 on page 103.
but you'll never be on page 63 again.
you'll never read it that same way ever again,
even if you read the book again.
so i guess what i'm saying is that i feel this shift deep down inside of me.
like i'm learning to appreciate the good in all of my seasons.
even the ones that aren't my favorite.
like sean working saturdays,
and chase pooping in his underwear,
and max scratching people's faces,
because page 63 might be filled with poop and exhaustion,
but it's also filled with almost 3 year olds that want to sit on my lap just to be held,
and almost 7 year olds that tell you you're the most perfect morning waker-upper ever because you knew they were at the end of their sweetest dream and now can you make them pancakes please?
and 5 year olds that play barbies on the front window seat in the 5 o'clock sun with you.
and those parts of "page 63" make the getting to "page 103" so much more amazing.
because anything bad along the way is just different.
it can be good and it can be bad,
but whatever you're doing and whatever phase you're in CAN be the best time in your life.
if you will just let it be.
in the face of the things that aren't perfect while you're in it.
i can't tell you how many times i've looked back on the time when i was pregnant with maxine,
with brennan being one.
and i was SO excited to have another baby.
to do it all again.
especially to be having a girl! and it made me feel so girly,
and i was in SUCH a rush to finally be a mom with two kids
that i think i missed brennan being one for a little bit at the end there.
and then when i was pregnant with chase, i was just sooooo not wanting to be pregnant because i was soooo consumed with the pain of my varicose veins, and the weight of carrying that giant baby up and down all of the stairs in our house in my tummy that i just wanted him out 
and here so we could get on with things.
and i could tackle this three kid business that everyone wouldn't stop talking about.
sure i enjoyed brennan and max during that time,
but not like now.
i feel like i'm savoring every day with my family just as it is right now.
because i know that in some 16 or 17 weeks that this time in my life with almost 7 year old brennan, 5 year old max, and almost 3 year old chase will be over.
and a new and different time will begin.
the good, the difficult, the new, the familiar, all of it.
but it's like i don't have anything to prove or get through for once.
because i'm just being.
being on "page 63."
and just like i yearn to go back and live one day with one year old brennan,
watching the hills on my recorded VHS tapes,
and eating lunch in a quiet house with a napping little one year old boy and max in my belly,
and just like i wish i could go back to holding baby maxine at 3 days old,
and going to the children's museum with 3 year old brennan and 1 year old max, and chase in my belly,
i know this time that i'll treasure these days just like those,
the time where i got brennan off to school in the morning, made his lunch, cooked him breakfast, put on his socks and tied his shoes without any other stresses than trying to do it all before susie shows up for morning carpool,
the time where max shows up at the top of the stairs with her beaming bright eyed smile that lights up the entire house with sean getting in the shower for work,
and at some point the creek of chase's door signaling us that someone needs to run up and help him go pee, and then gosh darn it and for heaven's sake somebody have his milk ready for him.
so right now, i'm taking the time to treasure them. 
right now as they are.
almost 7, 5, and almost 3.
not worrying about how long it will take the finish the basement,
but enjoying that it's just going on.
and the life that all of it brings to this amazing little house we are living in.
which is something i just don't know if i've done like i am doing right now.
maybe it's that i'm 32 and not 25.
years old that is.