"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

my wolf. {7 weeks}

dear baby dean,
the first day you were born i remember loving that you were furry.
like werewolf furry.
your arms show it best.
when i nurse you,
i love to brush my fingers ever so lightly back and forth along your furry furry arms.
they are the softest and furriest arms i've ever seen.
and i ADORE it.
your fur goes all over your back and up your little neck.
oh my word,
i want my lay my cheek against your furry little self just thinking about it right now.
then there's your sideburns.
they come down into your cheek.
once i tried to comb them straight,
but they don't comb straight.
they curve in with a callik stronger than the 7 seas,
and grow just under your cheekbones.
like a werewolf.
that's why i call you my wolf.
i don't even know if i've anyone,
not even dad,
that i call you this.
i don't know why,
i just haven't.
you have the most perfect feet.
they so evenly splay out.
like i've never seen a more perfect foot with five perfect toes ever.
not ever!
your hands are so flat.
and you love to hold them up flat.
i high five you sometimes and laugh so hard.
because it's really funny how flat you can make your hands.
flat stanley!
that's what i always think.
and then there's your eyelashes.
when you were first born,
they laid flat on your eyelid.
flat, and curved down.
and for the last 7 weeks,
they've slowly stood up and straightened themselves out,
but they're still halfway laid down,
and halfway moving straight up,
and for some reason this has entranced me your whole entire life.
you smile now.
big huge grins.
and just when i think you've smiled the biggest your mouth will let you smile,
you tilt your head back,
raise your chin up,
and open your smile even wider.
this is how i know you're good and fed.
even though you've already barfed half of your milk down us both. 
you sleep.
like nobody's business.
you love to snooze on your tummy.
especially when you're on my bed.
there's nothing that i love more than watching you fall asleep.

the other kids are ALL over you ALL the time.
it bugs me,
and sometimes it bugs you,
but then other times,
just as i'm about to shoo them off,
you'll look at brennan,
or max,
or chase
right in the face
and give them one of your fancy giant grins,
and we all jump up and down.
because you let us know.
you know us.
and it's amazing.

when you cry,
and especially if you're really upset,
i love to pick you up
because you immediately turn your cry into the most relieved little whimper,
like there's nobody else you'd rather be held by right at that very minute.
and sometimes you will suck in a few short little breaths,
like you're catching your breath,
and then you lay your whole little body right into mine,
limp like a noodle,
and it's the best feeling.
i just can't get enough of it.
i've never sat and stared at a baby so much as you.
and memorized every single inch and dimple.
maybe it's because i'm thinking you're our last.
and i want to drink you in for as long as i can.
or maybe it's because i know i'll blink, 
and you'll be too busy for me to memorize you so close.
either way,
this has been the best summer.
sitting in the rocking chair with my little wolf.
love,
mom

Monday, August 3, 2015

ain't THAT the truth

"i want my hair cut to here 
{insert max pointing to a specific length on the back of her neck},
but long in the front so i can put it behind my ears and not have hair get in my face."
{i kid you not...she was THAT specific.
because after 6 months of asking to cut her locks, 
the girl had plenty of time to really think about what she wanted. 
i loved that she knew just exactly what she wanted...life skill my friends.
LIFE skill.}
...
meet amanda.
we both had our boys enrolled in the ever glorious 
first time mom heaven 
known as gymboree:)
not the clothing gymboree.
oh no,
i'm talking about the money sucking learn and play class gymboree.
i was pregnant with maxine...
or maybe it was just before that.
whichever.
so there we were with our about one year old boys,
letting them climb all over the gymboree foam climbing equipment,
with the best bubbles known to man on planet earth,
and it was friends at first sight.
we'd hit the zoo, the children's museum, gymboree, and the aquarium all in one week.
then we mamas would meet up for frozen yogurt once the babes were snug in their beds at night and talk about our favorite shows on tv, our big dreams for life, and traumatic childhood shaping experiences. stuff like that.
SUCH a fun time in my early mothering days,
where everyday was get up and play in the morning with our friends,
come home to a perfectly clean house, 
feed my ONE child without opinions a healthy and delicious lunch,
shower without interruption EVERY SINGLE DAY,
feed myself lunch AND dessert,
watch 5 million shows i recorded on my VHS tapes,
{oh how i miss THE HILLS!!!!!},
and have my ONE babe wake up from his nap, 
just in time for sean to walk in the door home from school...
at which point he would scoop brennan up to play outside,
while i would make dinner WITHOUT interruption.
geez, i remember when all of that seemed hard!
soooooo anyway, back to reality...
here we are 7 years later still getting together with our kiddos,
except now we are yelling at the boys to stop spraying the girls with the super soakers,
telling them a THOUSAND times that no, they cannot play any more video games today,
all while bouncing new babes on our hips the entire time.
there ain't NOTHING like a best friend:)
but my favorite part of the entire day,
was a private little conversation max had with amanda while she was cutting her hair,
{lord knows i can't take 4 kids to the hair salon,
and good gracious, thank goodness she brought the salon to us...
at the pool...oh yeah. that's love.}
so, like i was about to tell you,
while she cutting max's hair on the grass,
and i was rocking the babes and watcing the boys swim under the shade of the giant weed tree,
the following conversation between max and her hairstylist amanda occurred...

max: "my mom says i can cut my hair however i want."
amanda: "oh yeah?"
max: "yep, but i can't get ANY tattoos."

and THAT my friends is the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
{insert laughing/crying/monkey covering the face emoji here}
{because when amanda told me about it after, 
i don't think we've ever laughed so hard together ever.
but really though.}
because a girl can only be as honest as she is with her hairstylist,
while she's getting her locks cut.
ain't THAT the truth.
and that's a wrap folks!
god bless amanda.
and god bless gymboree.
we thank you for taking all of our money,
so we could meet and be friends.
but REALLY though!
heaven sent.
the end.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

cream at the top

we've been blessed with milk.
BLESSED!!!
also,
a baby that sleeps in 7 hour stretches.
god bless baby dean.
...
this entire last week
i was feeling crazed.
i couldn't get my mind to stop racing.
i can tell this is because things are getting back to normal.
and also because school is about to start back up again.
i started the process of moving brennan from his summer 2 pill regiment,
to his school dayzzz 3 pill regiment.
rough folks.
ROUGH!
and then there's chase.
or TAZ.
some of us call him TAZ.
he'll bull doze through a room like nobody's business.
out of control.
that's the phase he's in.
then there's dean the bean.
who's living the reflux life.
which basically goes like this:
eat for 10 min.
barf for 10 min.
and THEN get the hiccups.
i am however happy to report that thanks to his reflux meds,
after his barfing is done,
he now smiles at us nonstop until it's time to snooze.
like he smiles so much,
and it's still so new,
that it catches us all off guard,
and makes us feel like we are the most special people on the planet.
because he's smiling at us.
thrilling!
then i lay him on his tummy in the middle of my bed,
and he falls asleep there while i put away laundry,
clear chase's cars and books out of my room,
make my bed,
and other stuff like that.
after about 15 min of this, i chicken out about letting a baby sleep on their tummy,
even though all of the old timers think i'm crazy to move him,
roll him onto his back,
swaddle him in grandma casper's homemade crochet blanket,
smell his little baby smelling head,
and kiss him right on the corner of his eye before i lay him down in his bassinet in my closet.
yep, he sleeps in our closet:)
it's cold,
it's dark,
and he doesn't get woken up by all of the other crazy animals
that are bouncing around this abode of ours.
then i shower.
get dressed.
and try to get the dishes into the dishwasher.
we've picked back up to pace!
i hate it and love it all at the same time.
i hate it because it means dean is moving into his babyhood
and out of his newborn hood.
i love it because things are calming down,
flowing into something new.
almost familiar.
but different.
and it's a little bit nice.
i've tried to take a nap two days in a row,
and i'm pretty sure that both times all i've done is close my eyes,
and repeat the same three lines of all three meghan trainer songs on the radio right now,
over and over and over again.
like i can't turn it off.
and it makes it too loud to nap with her lyrics and the marvin gaye song running through my head.
it's weird, i know.
maybe i fell half asleep??
i'm still not sure.
i think i felt more rested after?
tough to tell.
when you're not sure if you're asleep or awake,
does that define you as delirious?
on monday sean came in to say goodbye before he left for work.
i was sprawled out in our bed,
probably with my mouth open and drooling.
i opened one eye halfway and asked him if it was thursday?
he just laughed at me and told me to go back to sleep.
i think it was like 8:30 in the morning as he was heading off to work.
the night before that chase ame in around 4am,
and after sean put him back in his bed,
i asked him if he changed his diaper.
i meant did he take him pee.
but it came out as diaper.
or maybe i really was wondering if i had just fed a baby,
and he had put him back to bed for me?
i guess we'll never know folks.
this probably isn't making sense to people who are more rested.
however, it's providing some bonefied comic relief to us over here.
now if i could just get chase ray to stop coming in between 4 and 6am for a sippy full of milk.
we've got that part down to a system now.
because i just can't fix it.
actually i haven't even tried.
i just figure we should go with it until he stops.
does that work?
usually i try to fix it.
but like i said,
i'm not sure if i'm asleep or awake most of the time,
so i'm not trying to fix it.
my old fridge from my school teaching days is plugged in at the foot of our bed.
and every night before sean and i come up to bed we fill up a sippy full of milk,
and pop that lone man into the fridge.
the sippy, not chase.
no joke, it's the only thing in the fridge.
and at this point, it's the fridge's main purpose in life.
to keep chase's sippy full of milk fresh for 4-6 hours during the night.
it's pitiful i know,
but like i said,
i'm not trying to fix it.
we're just going with it.
then i feed dean around 11pm,
MAYBE do some dishes,
MAYBE do some laundry,
ALWAYS talk to sean and make him regret staying up so late with me,
and then i TRY to read a paragraph of my book without falling asleep.
it's tricky, let me tell you.
then we sleep until about 5:30am when dean wakes up to eat again,
and just as i'm wheeling dean into our closet for the rest of the morning,
we hear the sweet sounds of chase opening and closing the door to his room,
holding two books,
two toys,
and saying "where my milk?"
then we take him pee,
and we all try to go back to sleep before sean has to get up for work,
{and like i said, sometimes chase's role in the play shifts to before dean eats, which is actually my preference because then i have a better shot at falling back asleep RIGHT after dean eats,
and sometimes that's even before the sun starts to come up over the rockies.}
then brennan comes in asking to watch mine craft videos sometime after 8am,
and max comes in telling me she's hungry around 9.
10am if we're lucky.
and that my friends is why i'm not sure if i'm awake or asleep.
and also why i had to give dean 2 ounces of formula last night.
because my body plum gave out by 11pm.
summertime,
where the livin's easy.
i can't decide if school starting is going to make things better or worse.
whichever,
i'm sure i still won't make it to bed before midnight.
it's just not in my nature.
especially with a babe that sleeps from 11pm-5:30am.
like i said,
god bless baby dean.
have mercy,
i'm tired.

 {i dared him to look his elbow. never gets old.}
at 4 weeks,
he looked like chase. 
but at 6 weeks,
he looks like brennan.
nobody believes me.
until i show them stuff like this. 
boo-ya.
and then other times,
he starts to look like max.
with his little delicate head,
and button nose.
and looooooong skinny legs.
magical baby i say.
magical.
how he ends up just looking like them all.