"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Sunday, December 20, 2015

dear santa, more binkies. sincerely the baby man chase ray

me: what is santa going to bring you 
when you leave your binky for him on christmas this week?
chase: more binkies.

this one is gonna be a rough one i think.
he's smart, that's for sure.
my other kids were all sold on the bike.
nobody has ever even THOUGHT to ask for more binkies.
chase's second choice for the binky trade is a lightening mcqueen race track.
i'm going to miss his binky.
it gets him in and out of the shower.
it gets him into the car to get max from kindergarten when i'm in a pinch.
it lets me talk on the phone.
it basically gives me any immediate response like a dead ringer every single time.
and while he's not napping anywhere but in the car on the way home from afternoon carpool,
i'm gonna miss it.
he's gonna miss it.
at least there's always the blue dog.
i just don't think that's gonna be enough to get him back into his bed at 6am when he wakes up to pee.
oh man.
i'm gonna miss that binky.
have i mentioned i'm gonna miss chase's binky???
well i am.
there,
i said it
again.
in other news...
the train is up as of this evening.
which means,
only 5 days left of the train being out.
but who's counting???
just sayin'
5 days and counting.
also, max is a super champ at putting stamps on christmas cards.
this year was quite the stretch to get them out.
i sure hope grandpa's christmas present makes it.
aye, yigh, yigh...we're coming in on the wire this time!
is that a saying?
or did i just make that up?
maybe halfway right?
you get what i'm saying.
dear santa,
please get my christmas cards off and grandpa's present there on time.
xoxo,
emiline

Sunday, December 6, 2015

Just like that.

And then all of a sudden everything in the house feels right again. 
I laid on the ground and let the kids decorate the entire tree. I didn't even move a single ornament when they were done. Sean moved some of the more fragile ones to the top. Man alive, I've gotta say, it's much more relaxing when you just sit back and let the cards fall where they may. I don't think I could have done a better job myself. It got darker and darker as they went, and by the end we had a glowing tree with the night in full glory outside. I hope they always want to decorate the tree for me. 
Let us not forget batman. 
We will leave it at that:)
Merry Christmas to all,
And to all a good night!

Friday, December 4, 2015

letters to Beth {once upon a time, the night sweats, & OH CHRISTMAS TREE!}

dear beth,
once upon a time, 
i almost quit nursing.
i had made my peace.
i was satisfied.
i love feeding baby dean bottles.
he nuzzles up into my arms,
looks into my eyes,
and wraps his long legs down and around the curves of my belly.
and just lays.
like a warm lump of soft.
i never wanna do anything, except sit there and watch him gulp.
we didn't quit nursing,
dean gained 2 pounds on breast milk in one month {once it all came back FOR REAL this time},
and my anxiety and post pardom depression i could feel myself slipping into 
after school started...went away.
i think that as moms we think we have to be tired.
like it's some right of passage to be so drained and depleted.
some badge of honor.
a time and season!
this is what i used to say.
this was just part of the job.
and the tired i felt,
sleep couldn't fix.
i had accepted this.
after i would put my kids to bed at night,
i would climb into bed,
read for 2 minutes or less, at which point my eyes would droop into sleep,
almost always with the light on,
sleep for 9 hours {not peacefully},
and dread my children waking me up all night long.
like i literally had a racing beating heart, and felt like i couldn't fall into a deep sleep ever,
because i was so consumed with feeling anxious and exhausted during the day.
it didn't help that maxine was scared of the dark at this time, and some little 5th grade YOU KNOW WHAT at school showed brennan five nights at freddy's on his ipod, 
which caused HIM to be afraid of the dark so he doesn't want to sleep in his basement room anymore,
and chase was sick.
for liiiiiiike a month straight.
it kind of went like this:
pukes
pukes
strep
and i think some kind of cold somewhere in there too.
then brennan got strep.
then i got strep.
it wasn't pretty!
so when my kids would finally come into my room in the mornings,
i would push them away, bc i just didn't want to get up and do it all over again.
and then very grouchily and grumpily i'd drag myself out of bed,
where most days i'd snapped at them over the daily breakfast making 
and lunch making routine everyday.
and felt like i had turned into some complete inauthentic fraud.
where was the emily that loved doing these things for her children?
where was the emily that could take on any task?
clearly, i had left her by the pool at the family yard last summer,
that's where.
it was awful.
awful to not feel like myself.
awful to feel like this was just how it was gonna be.
awful to not be able to keep the gerbil ball from spinning.
but i don't feel this way anymore!
and i'm grateful to have me back.
now, i wake up in the morning happy to face the day.
excited to face the day!
and i feel good enough to have patience, and empathy,
and my kid's friends over again {most of them anyway...eek}.
and i don't have to say "don't talk to me!" when i'm driving in the car.
and i don't have to go to bed with my kids at 9 o'clock at night.
like when i go to bed,
i look forward to the morning because i KNOW i'm gonna feel great.
i don't wake up tired or groggy.
i WAKE UP rested.
even if 4 kids have woken me up 4 different times in the middle of the night.
i don't feel like i'm going to die at 2pm if i don't get a nap.
in fact, i don't even nap anymore,
except for that one time we all had strep. 
aye-yigh-YIGH, that week was rough.
also i had the night sweats, and sean said i stunk,
but not in a mean way,
just in a "i couldn't figure out why our room smelled damp when i got up to pee, 
and then i realized you were all sweaty and THAT was what was making our room smell damp,
and it made me laugh" kind of way.
then he said he figured he owed me for all of his farting in the last 12 years.
this is why i love him. i stinketh not, hahahaha!!!
except when i do...ok so anywaaaaaaay.
when bedtime rolls around,
i fall asleep,
like sometimes even before sean,
then i stay asleep {unless someone wakes me up},
fall back asleep {if someone wakes me up--usually someone ALWAYS wakes me up},
but i don't feel like a truck hit me going 95 on the interstate 
when it's actually TIME to wake up.
i
like
waking
up:)
does this mean i'm never tired? no.
i still like to lay in bed longer on saturdays just 'cause;)
does this mean i'm happy and patient 100% of the time? no.
but 95% of the time.
yes:)
i owe all of this to three things.
are you ready to hear my three things?
here
are 
my
three
things...
1. a father in heaven who speaks.
2. a friend named brooke who listened...and didn't give up.
3. and a little woo woo pink drink that harmonized it all,
with a pretty fancy probiotic and cleanser thing with magnesium and chromium,
that whipped me RIGHT into shape.
i'm drinking the kool-aid:)
except this kool-aid is sweetened with stevia,
makes it so i don't snap at my kids or sean {as much},
OR HAVE HEADACHES in the mornings.
have i ever told you i used to get dizzy in the shower and almost pass out 
if i didn't get enough sleep?
and then i'd feel sick and feel like i was going to puke?
no more, i say!
no more!!!
and also, i don't crave sugar.
and a bunch of other things too.
mmmhmmmm.
that's
what
she
said.
wait WHAAAAAAT??!!??
the WOO WOO worked.
I REPEAT:
the.woo.woo.worked.
over and out ghostrider.
do you copy?
{brennan and sean sung me happy birthday at 6:44am}
...
in other news...
we got our christmas tree,
and dean pooped on me.
i spent the night walking around the christmas tree lot smelling luscious pine,
and dean's poop.
delicious:)
brennan, max, and chase ran around and in between all of the trees screaming at the tops of their lungs.
sean sprung for a new tree stand,
so the tree's not going to fall on me again this year.
yeah.
me too.
batman.
i give you
THE TREE
hashtag 2015.
isn't she pretty?
such a full little tree.
i can't wait to get that batman ornament out.
i see his face every time i think of it.
good times.

do you have a tree up yet?
we skipped the german lantern festival last night to get our tree.
the candy bomber was there and pres. utchdorf.
maybe next year we'll make it!
my little german speaker is starting to talk to me more and more.
today he asked for a fruit snack in german,
and then he told me how to say please and thank you.
i couldn't help but BEAM as i put the fruit snacks away in the pantry.
he's really learning german.
and it's amazing.

i'm sending christmas cards out next week!
i LOVE sending christmas cards!!!
is your flat still the same address?

things i learned this week: 
there is no balance. there is only harmony. 
where all of the melodies play together.
i love you!
emiline

Sunday, November 1, 2015

'cause i think we all just feel like we're walking a bunch of crazy puppies with a cat climbing up our backs {HALLOWEEN 2K15}

it was freakishly warm again this year.
like it actually got WARMER as the night went on.
not even max wore a coat.
so so awesome.
halfway around the neighborhood loop max tripped on a rock, and her candy spilled out.
it was almost a game ender, but my cousin andrea saved all of the candy, and then we threw max in
the wagon for the halloween hail mary pass.
somehow this did the trick and HP did not even rear its ugly head.
god bless america.
and god bless the wagon.
we didn't lose any kids, except one time for five minutes, and it was actually me that we lost.
halloween night in our neighborhood is the best block party in all the world.
i couldn't help myself from stopping for a quick chat.
there is one house with a haunted house {it's LEGIT--they turn their garage into it, and takes them       an entire month before to prep it. my kids were all too scared to get past the candy grab, but two of     them at least did that. brennan made it further, but then we had to emergency exit after two scary         people jumped out twice.}
another house does hot dogs, donuts, and hot apple cider.
WITH fire pit in the driveway.
 i sure love chatting with them while the kids ate.
scott around the corner mowed a giant pumpkin into his lawn.
boy i thought that was clever!
in other halloween news...
    the house across the street from ours had doorbell ditchers,
    and apparently these doorbell ditchers rolled around in our front yard.
    then a house one street behind us got egged.
    there was some good teenager gossip about it all at church today.
    we were asleep before 10pm, and missed all of the excitement.
    we didn't even change our clocks back, so really, we went to bed at 9pm.
    i have never actually taken advantage of the extra hour of sleep until last night.
    let me tell you, I'VE BEEN MISSING OUT ALL OF THESE YEARS!!!!!
    also, i think this means i'm a grown up.
    {don't worry though, brennan still woke up at 5:15am...there's always a catch with the time change. NEVER fails!}
{max asked me to dress up as a witch with her. i almost cried i was so happy.
and then an hour before the bewitching hour began i came to find out that i had loaned out my witch dress to someone, and it was never returned. wah!!! it all worked out for the best bc i got to wear pants, and really, all you need to be a witch is a wig and a hat, 
and let's be honest, even the wig is optional.}
{brennan's trick or treating map. have you ever read the Bernstein Bear's trick or treating book?}
{brennan's cape was magical this year. the breeze kept making it fly behind him. perfection.}
{the lion costume brennan wore as a baby got pulled out again. 
why you ask did baby dean not get his own original costume?
let me tell you.
#1- it's a vest. #2- it has a built in giant eskimo warm hat. 
#3- did i mention it's a vest? best baby costume ever. also it cost $10 at costco
7 years ago and is still good as new, and i just couldn't resist! it brings his eyes out, don't you think?}
{my mom is so fun. i squealed when the garage door opened, 
and i saw her standing there to surprise us with her mask. 
i always forget about fun masks...}
these yahoos crack me up.
also, you should know that because cade is the SIXTH kid in his family,
he is also now an uncle, as his oldest sister just had her first baby in march.
so cade's nephew and baby dean ended up both being lions and obliged to have their
photo taken together. i give you....
cade's nephew & brennan's brother:
{i don't know why this brother nephew stuff all makes me laugh so hard,
but it does.
it just REALLY does.
i think it's mostly because cade is an uncle.}
"THE HALLOWEEN HOUSE."
that's it's name in our hood.
even when it's not halloween.
like if you're talking to anyone who's lived here through at least one halloween,
all you have to say is,
"you know, the halloween house,"
and everybody knows who's house you're talking about.
it's not decorated year round or anything like that.
it's just famously awesome with a new theme every year.
and this year was 
BY FAR, HANDS DOWN 
my favorite since we've lived here!!!
i giggled every time i walked past the skeleton walking all of the dogs.
there's also a cat climbing up the back.
they have seven kids.
SEVEN.
there are 7 dogs being walked {2 of them biting the walker on each leg,} 
and 1 cat {as previously mentioned, climbing up the back.}
so i kinda love them for having such a great sense of humor.
because i think we all just feel like we're walking a bunch of crazy puppies 
with a cat climbing up our backs most days as "real grown ups," you know?
i know:)
the hot dog, donut, cider house.
please note the finger lights that helped me keep track of my kids.
thank you to whoever was passing THOSE little ditty's out!
THE CREW.
only one bucket broke,
which was replaced by a costco reusable shopping bag,
and one witch hat was lost,
but we didn't know it,
until tonight,
when it was returned.
praise the lord.

things to remember for next year
FIRST.
remember that the kids hate clam chowder.
i made homemade clam chowder. it RIVALED pier 39, i tell ya.
but the kids, they hated it.
like they spit it out of their mouths and then we tried to bribe them, but the bribe didn't even work, bc they actually really hated it THAT much.
i know.
TRAGIC!!!
go figure.
i think this is the second time i've forgotten this.
i think i knew this, remembered it for awhile, and then forgot it again.
have you ever had that happen before?
yeah, me too.

SECOND.
because of the hot dog, donut, and apple cider house,
you actually don't even NEED to feed your children dinner on halloween night.
so handy.
if you can remember.
this was BEFORE they ate the soup. max liked it until brennan said he hated it,
and it was a domino affect from there.
i even have PROOF that max liked it 
BEFORE brennan decided to sabotage the entire thing:/
SEE!!!
boo hoo for my clam chowder.

{max told me she was the "bossy witch" from hocus pocus with this wig on. 
so proud, hahahaha}
we borrowed a pumpkin, cleaned it all out,
and returned it with only two holes in the back,
which we used for our front.
like i said,
my neighbors are THE BEST:)
and dean,
he liked the pumpkin better than his bumbo.
who would have thought?!
{the end.}