"experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted." -randy pausch

Tuesday, June 30, 2015

on giving birth

Dean David
born 11:27am
9lbs 6oz
3 hours & 27 min of labor
when you walk into the labor and delivery floor it's quiet.
the only sounds you can hear are all of the little heartbeats 
thump thump thumping on the monitors at the nurse's station.
it's almost like you're walking into a really clean house with a napping child,
quiet and calm like that.
except there's ladies walking around doing lunges in the hall with their husbands video taping them,
and then there's ladies like me who walk in, not in labor, get tethered to a pole,
call for the anesthesiologist,
let the drugs do all the work,
have their doctor break their water,
and then have a baby 20 minutes after that:)
god bless my amazing child birthing body,
and god bless epidurals.
it's just the most beautifully, quiet, calming, exhilarating feeling to be there,
in the labor and delivery wing,
and hear all of those little heartbeats,
and after all of the waiting, and planning, and preparing,
the day is finally here,
and you just get to be in it now.
and sometimes it's hard to just be in it right then,
because you're thinking about all of the things that will happen after,
but the day dean was born,
i was in it.
not just getting it over as quickly as possible,
{although it was over pretty quickly as possible,
the fastest out of any of my babies.}
so there we were all cliche, 
standing there at the check in counter, with a diaper bag,
boppy, breastpump, and a costco bag of trail mix.
and i felt like the luckiest lady on the planet.
because my amazing body was going to do it's amazing birthing thing today.
and i love doing this amazing birthing thing!
i love seeing sean have water in his eyes,
holding our wrapped up little babe in his arms.
i love doing THIS.
walking into labor and delivery.
with my big round overly due belly.
to HAVE a baby.
ok really, i wasn't actually overdue,
but i darn well should be considered to be.
so i'm standing there, passing over my driver's license and insurance card,
not knowing how the day was going to unfold,
and the charge nurse and registrar are standing there checking me in, 
probably wondering the same thing staring back at me.
also, they were dealing with some gal that wanted to change her name,
or her baby's name, or something with somebody's name,
and i was just glad that i wasn't the girl that wanted to change a name,
bc i could tell that the charge nurse was an amazing nurse,
and also that i wanted to stay on her good side:)
and the name changing lady was not on her good side.
so they got us all checked in,
walked us back,
and handed me my gown.
and i stood there thinking about how surreal it was to be there,
in a delivery room again,
for the fourth time,
not in labor,
knowing that soon i was gonna be in labor.
and there was that little baby warming station that's always set up over on the side of the room,
and the pole where my pitocin was going to hang.
and sean was setting up his computer and the trail mix 
at his customary desk and leather chair area,
and it all just kind of started to hit me,
there's a HUMAN in my belly,
and i'm having him TO-day.
and then brittany walked in.
my delivery nurse.
i've always had the best nurses,
but i think i'll always remember brittany the most.
because she was a super great listener.
even sean was all, "she listened to you the best i think!"
i was like "i know, she REALLY did!"
that's what i'll always remember about brittany.
she asked me the 300 health questions they have to ask you when you go to have a baby,
and in between all of those 300 questions 
we talked about my previous labors and deliveries,
i showed her pictures of the three other gibbies, i think we facetimed with them from grandma and grandpa's house at one point,
and we also talked about how she had been a vegetarian since she was 8,
despite being a butcher's daughter,
and i told her about how i needed 2 bags of fluid before my epidural 
so i don't bottom out the blood pressure machine, 
and also how i hadn't had carbs in 8 weeks in attempt to NOT have a 10 pound baby.
and she told me how she couldn't live without carbs,
and i told her how i couldn't live without meat,
and the only reason i had been living without carbs 
was because i've birthed and recovered from two 9 pounders before,
and that was motivation enough.
i sure loved that vegetarian delivery nurse named brittany.
and not just because she was a butcher's daughter that didn't eat meat,
but because during the 300 before you give birth questionnaire,
when i told her about how it only took 
20 minutes from breaking my water with max to be ready,
she remembered:)
and after dr nielson broke my water and ran over to his clinic for a quick sec,
i was all "ummm, it kind of feels like it did with max"
and she was like, "let's check ya! maybe it's party time!"
like she didn't even look at me crazy for thinking i went from a 4 to a 10 in 20 minutes,
and she didn't even make me wait 10 more minutes or anything!
she just came right over,
and then she was all, "it's party time! call the doctor please."
and everyone started bustling around in a really big hurry,
because you know, i just went from a 4 to a 10 in 20 minutes.
and then dr nielson came running in and out of breath because he had to run from across the street where he was at his clinic to help a patient you know, 
and literally showed up with just enough time to put a gown on and catch our kid on the way out.
and while he was putting on his gown he was telling us how when they called him,
he was throwing gauze at his nurse and had to leave the clinic unlocked and stuff like that because he didn't want to leave me hanging,
or the baby hanging out,
and i could tell that he loves the rush of a delivery that makes him run,
like his eyes were a little brighter right then,
the excitement of it all,
and i was just so proud of my awesome birthing body,
so just for fun, at the very last minute, right as i was about to push,
i told him "WAIT! we needed to take a picture first!"
because we always have ya know,
and let me tell you,
you should have seen the look on his face.
good times good times:)
but all nicely and everything he kindly said "are you serious?"
and i could tell he was holding his breath a little, trying to find a professional way to reason with the crazy about to birth a baby pregnant lady who was asking for a photo while she was crowning, 
and i could tell he would have done it if i really wanted to,
but i was only 99% kidding, so i told him "don't be crazy eric! let's get this big boy out!"
and then he sighed a big sigh of relief like,
man i thought she was serious.
and i told him i wasn't really ever serious,
just 99% not serious.
and about 2 and a half pushes later out came giant dean.
except he looked skinnier to me than brennan and chase, 
and so i AGAIN said to everyone that this was an 8 pounder for sure!
and all of the nurses AGAIN and dr nielson AGAIN were like,
"um, i love that she thinks this is a small baby."
and i was like "he is! he is!"
'cause see, i was in denial about having ANOTHER 9 POUND baby at 39 weeks AGAIN,
especially since i hadn't been eating carbs for the last 8 weeks and all,
and then they weighed him,
and it turned out that nurse brittany guessed dean's weight right on the dot.
9 POINT 6 POUNDS guys.
same as chase.
to the ounce.
and i looked at dr nielson and he was like "good thing you haven't been eating carbs."
and i was all, "man alive, i know."
and then i'm pretty sure they started pumping my IV full of percocet and other happy fluids because i started feeling like i was floating on clouds i was so happy,
and i started saying things to sean like,
"let's have another!"
"this is STILL the greatest thing i've ever done!"
but mostly,
i just held that baby dean naked right on my chest.
burped him for an hour before he would nurse
{the poor chap drank so much fluid and sucked in so much air 
that we had the NICU come to suck it all out--same thing happened to chase,
and then he ate like the champ of all champs, and all was well in the world of dean!},
and we all talked about how he was the cutest baby to have ever been born.
even with the COMPLETELY black and blue face that i gave him by getting him out so fast.
good grief.
for about 2.5 seconds when dr nielson discovered my placenta was partially torn we talked about if dean's heartbeat dropped i'd be hauled in for a c-section.
i'm just so glad that's not how this story ended.
thank you awesome body.
i love you.
i respect you.
i marvel at you.

{black and blue faced dean}
{they had to put a sign in his crib bc the nurses kept thinking he wasn't breathing. 
a purple face will fool 'em every time! sheesh.}

{the end.}
or the beginning.

Thursday, June 25, 2015

hashtag newborn life

i literally have no desire to do anything but this.
for the last 13 days.
maybe for the next 13 days.
or until school starts in the fall.
maybe this is what i'll do after school starts in the fall too.
while the kids are all at school.
i don't know.
we will just have to see.
also, i shower every day.
and feed my children.
but right now,
this is what i'm doing.
and i'm sending my family and friends about 100 pictures a day 
of this same shot, with dean propped up in this same way.
and if i'm not holding him like this,
max is.
or brennan is.
or chase is.
or grandma is.
or grandpa is.
or uncle landon is.
or andrea is.
so if you're knocking on my door,
just know why i'm not answering.
it's because i'm just doing this.
all day,
and all night.
sometimes i put in a load of laundry,
and unload the dishwasher,
but i usually never finish either thing all in the same day.
definitely not both in the same day.
one day i washed all of the bottles before i went to bed.
it had been awhile.
they're all still drying on the bottle rack.
don't know for how many days it's been.
i made the bed at 11pm, just so i could get into a made bed.
it was fabulous.
i eat ice cream before bed,
and cereal and granola bars in the middle of the night.
sean picks up sonic ice for my giant water mug,
it tastes the very best at 3am.
i promise there's a difference.
and i always always have spit up or pee on my shirt by the end of the day.
and i'm not even mad about it.
i'm in absolute heaven:)
which means i'm probably not sleep deprived enough yet.
or i just know i won't ever get him like this ever again.
maybe it's just taken me 4 kids to really know how to enjoy them this way.
all of him this way.
and let everything else not matter.
let everything else just be slow.
because i do not care if we ever get back to life ever again.
and i do not care if chase wants a fruit snack at 7am,
and i do not care if max wants to stay in her jammies all day,
and i do not care if we watch a movie during dinner when sean works late.
and i do not care if brennan is up until 10.
ok, sometimes i do care about that.
also, i do care about clean underwear.
so i am keeping us all current.
not to fret.
although my underwear may be burning the midnight oil tonight 
if i get caught up with james DEAN over here one more time before dinner.
i just love this feeling of a newborn in our house.
the quiet that comes after he's all fed and changed.
how he looks around and stares at me.
smiles at me.
makes his noises on my shoulder when i burp him.
burrows into my neck.
with ears and cheeks like satin.
skin that dries out after a bath,
and a head that smells like johnson and johnson.

hush all you cobwebs,
dust go to sleep,
i'm rocking my baby,
and babies don't keep:)
hashtag newborn life.
to be continued...

Friday, June 12, 2015

she wore an itsy bitsy teeny weeny BLUE polka dot bikini {i've got rituals}

                                    {9.4lbs}                                                                   {7.14lbs}

                                       {9.6lbs}                                                               {??? lbs}

when you've been induced 
four times,
you come to have 
#1-get the hair colored and cut
#2-get pedicure
#3-take the bikini pic
and those my friends,
are my rituals.
my favorite one of them all is the bikini pic.
and i owe it all to my mama who started it.
there is nothing that brings me more pride and joy than comparing these 
pictures over the years when it comes to being pregnant.
and now that my kids are getting older they LOVE it!
and i love showing them to them.
also, the many hairstyles of emily kathleen are documented.
so that's pretty fantastic.
i love remembering and seeing the way i looked right before delivery, 
remembering the nerves, the excitement, the feelings of accomplishment,
and trying to guess how big the baby will be from looking at the pics the night before.
even though sean assured me tonight that this is NOT a scientific predictor of baby weight,
and he thinks my well wishes for an 8 pounder are historically out of the question.
to him i say,
we shall see my friend,
as it DID predict chase would be bigger than brennan.
even if it was only by .2 ounces, i'd say it did in fact show us he would be.
there you go.
decide for yourself,
that's all i'm sayin'.
and now,
ladies and gentlemen,
drum roll please....
i give you,
the woman who started it all!
Grandma Carol,
with ME in her belly,
in a bikini,
on her due date.
emily be white.
carol be tan.
aint no pregnant ladies be braver than us;)
2 legit 2 legit 2 quit.
yeah yeah!
and now,
for the record,
let it be known,
and going against my better judgement,
i'm guessing, 
based off of my 
very scientific 
picture comparing prediction methods,
that this baby will be..... 
8lbs and 14 ounces.
{or 9.11, whichever. i get two guesses 'cause i just do.}
it's officially been placed on the betting books.
and now it's your turn!
place your bets folks.
'cause it's GO TIME:)

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

i think we're gonna make it {brennan's baby belly}

i didn't feel pregnant for 2 whole hours.
my kids literally had to DRAG me out of the pool last night.
just keep me in the pool until saturday please:)
also, please note:
i live with the funniest humans.
brennan's baby belly.
my baby belly.
4 more sleeps.
i think we're gonna make it guys.
{thanks for the bikini audrey. god bless you.}